Yes I am back again with yet another embarrassing tale that can be used as further proof that I will be winning no 'Mother Of The Year Award' for good old 2009.
My potty mouth is legendary, well at least to me it is. I am absurdly proud of the fact that I can work a curse into just about any thought and sentence at the drop of a hat. Wait, let me redact that last statement, or at least edit it to meet today's needs; I am absurdly proud of the fact that I used to be able to work a curse into just about any thought and sentence at the drop of a hat.
Now that I have 2 children whose little brains are made up of tiny recording components that seem to capture only the worst things that come, unbidden, out of my mouth when I am in a frenzy of finding lost keys (they were in the freezer), cleaning up dog vomit (Dog: Why must you always vomit on the rug? Why? What is wrong with the hardwood floors or the easy to clean linoleum?) or picking poop out of my EYELASHES when Seba sharted as I was changing his diaper. (The unbidden word that flew out of my mouth then was, I believe, "FUUUCK!")
So getting back on track, I have a potty mouth that I have curbed to a certain degree around the kids but which I seem to let loose on many an occasion - the contents of which are immediately downloaded and saved for future reference in two toddler brains. Aside from my own slips, Mike doesn't have an angel’s vocabulary per se, and then there are the songs on the radio. I can’t keep up!
Case in point:
2) The incident that occurred in the car yesterday after he picked up the kids from the sitter's house as related to me by Mike this morning:
Mike: So this douche cuts me off and I have to swerve a bit to avoid him hitting the car, so I say "FUCKING ASSHOLE!" and then I hear Nicky echoing me from the backseat "Yes, dada. What a fucking asshole. That's right! " (Nicky ends most of his sentences with a "that's right!")
Me: Sheeee-it. We have to stop cursing around them.
Seba: (standing behind me unnoticed) "Sheeeee-it!"
Aside from copy cat incidents of the spoken variety there are the incidents where the children will re-enact something they have seen their father do. I am placing this one squarely on Mike since I don’t go around lifting up the skirt of his dress and saying "Wooooo - Mommy's butt!" in front of the boys. Because damn, Mike in a skirt is a scary thought. So, yes, Mike felt compelled to do this to me today in front of both boys and now they think it’s just so funny, so hysterical to do this to me all the time. It didn't help that they were chastised in a half-assed manner by their widely-grinning father who wasn’t exactly oozing any dissatisfaction at their antics.
Now to sum up what I have learned from these experiences:
1) Make sure the kids are finished pooping before removing diaper and leaning in close to wipe poop residue from little behinds.
2) Stop cursing.
3) Do not listen to the radio anymore or let Seba happily sing along to the unrated version of “Boom Boom Pow” by the Black Eyed Peas, who have sneakily thrown in the S-word all over the place.
3) Do not wear skirts while in public with my kids. Ever.
